My wife tells me that, in some of my recent weekly updates, I’ve gotten so bogged down with various football facts and figures that my writing talent is lost amidst all the flotsam and jetsam. That’s a nice way of saying I’ve been cranking out crap. She’s nothing if not supportive. According to her, I evidently don’t need to bother telling you that future Hall of Famer Tom Brady completed more passes in three quarters Sunday night than New York Jets rookie quarterback and future restroom attendant Geno Smith completed in his last three games combined, or that, over their last three games, the Indianapolis Colts have been outscored 91 to 9 in the first half alone. I guess that stuff just doesn’t matter. This is a football update after all. Why waste everyone’s time talking about football?
Actually, I think I know what my wife is after. Her Giants stink. Her Angels of No Mercy fantasy football team is borderline on whether or not they’ll get into the playoffs as a wildcard. She participates in a football pool and hasn’t done well there either. She’s frustrated; she’s angry. She wants everyone to feel her pain. Correction. She wants ME to feel her pain. She’d like me to pick at my own scabs until the wounds are fresh, raw and throbbing so she can then apply copious amounts of salt.
Yes, I am a Minnesota Vikings fan. It wasn’t a choice I made. It’s nothing I have any control over–sort of like leprosy but less popular. The Vikings surprisingly made the playoffs last year and super stud runningback Adrian Peterson was the league MVP. This year, however, they’ve won just two games. Their defense is a joke. Their quarterback situation is an even bigger joke. If they had to pick a team MVP this year it would probably be the stadium beer vender. Okay, so we’ve established that the team sucks. I’m good with that. I’m used to it. I could sleep easy if that’s where the story ended. Defeat is so much simpler when it comes with no other expectations. With the Vikings, though, nothing is ever easy. They’re currently 2 – 8 – 1, but they could be 9 – 2. In five of their eight losses, they actually had the lead at halftime. In three of those games, they were still leading with two minutes to go. They tease. They tantalize. And in the end, they break your heart, crush your spirit, and leave you shattered and empty. Hmmm… That sounds like some women I know. Or maybe it’s that the Vikings play like girls. Either way, the sentiment is the same. What’s wrong with a quick double tap? Put me out of my misery. Instead, it’s death by paper cut, and it’s the same story every damn week. After blowing a 16 point fourth quarter lead on Sunday, I was thrilled when they did well enough to finish in a tie. Yes, it’s come to that. They are the sadistic proctologist and I am their masochistic patient with a raging case of hemorrhoids. Now, it you don’t mind, I need to find the Bush Mills and Tylenol. Maybe I’ll kick the dog while I’m at it. There, Dear, you did it. I’m pissed off and miserable and the day’s barely started. At least things could start looking up. The Vikings face a very beatable opponent when they host the Bears in Week 13. Maybe they can get back on track. Hope does spring eternal… the bitch.