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Championship Weekend NFL Recap: Explosive Diarrhea & Buffalo Wings

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I have to say, I’m having a hard time finding any inspiration for this update.  In fact, the only thing really keeping me going is the knowledge that this will end with an incredible game day recipe for the father of all football foods, the Buffalo wing.  I’ve been building up to this all season long and my mouth is watering so much now I’m in danger of sliding off my desk chair.  However, I’ll set my wings on simmer a few moments more while we take care of a little business.

Seahawks and Patriots–that’s the matchup for Super Bowl XLIX and I honestly don’t know how to feel.  Jumping ahead a bit, I am thrilled that , for Super Bowl 50, the NFL has decided to ditch the Roman numerals hopefully for good.  and can I say it’s about time?  But getting back to this year, how am I supposed to get hyped for a game featuring two teams I despise?  It’s like choosing between severe constipation or explosive diarrhea.  I guess I’ll take a big slug of Pepto Bismol and begin in New England.

There are plenty of things not to like about the Patriots.  For starters, they’re too damn good.  I don’t have the stats in front of me but I’m pretty sure they’ve won the AFC East every year dating back to  World War II.  They haven’t been crowned Super Bowl champs since 2005 but they made it back to the big game in 2008, 2012, and now in 2015.  I don’t even know how many post season games they’ve played and won in the interim.  I do know Tom Brady has thrown more playoff touchdown passes than any other quarterback in NFL history.  He broke that record on Sunday, but probably could have done it a year or two sooner if his receivers could catch, at least that’s what his super model wife once said.

Then there’s Patriots head coach Bill Belichick.  The guy makes millions of dollars a year.  You’d think he could buy himself a decent shirt.  He shows up on game day, often in a hoodie with torn-off sleeves, and you don’t know if he’s there to coach his team or grab a nap sack and head on down the train tracks.  The only coach who looked more disheveled was former Minnesota Vikings head coach Jerry Burns who was best known for never combing his hair.  Belichick doesn’t just look like he doesn’t give a shit.  He acts like it too with his monosyllabic responses and a smug expression that didn’t even disappear  during the 2007 “Spygate” incident after which Bill Belichick and the Patriots paid fines and lost draft picks because they were caught videotaping coaches’ signals.  You can beat the Patriots by 50 points.  Belichick is still going to look at you like he’s the smartest guy in the room and he knows it.  He’s usually right and that just makes it worse.  New England could face further sanctions in the very near future.  They’ve been accused of deflating footballs prior to their convincing AFC Conference Championship Game win over the Colts.  Really?  How do you pull for a team that does stuff like that?

Unfortunately, I cannot in good conscience pull for the Seahawks either.  In fairness, I have no legitimate reason to dislike them.  That’s the beauty of being a sports fan.  Rational thought is not part of the equation.

Offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell spent many years with my beloved Vikings, as did former Seahawks receivers Sidney Rice and Percy Harvin, and current backup quarterback Tarvaris Jackson.  They all have Super Bowl rings now… as members of the Seahawks.  Yes, Minnesota’s state fruit is sour grapes.  Why do you think the team color is purple.

Their also seems to be a serious bandwagon element to Seattle’s success.  I went through most of my life without ever meeting a Seahawks fan.  They win a Super Bowl and their infuriating 12th man is suddenly everywhere.  Where were all you people when the team stunk?  I didn’t see your flag flying on the Space Needle then.  Can you give that beast mode and legion of boom stuff a rest too?  It’s all gotten very tiresome.

For me, Super Bowl Sunday approaches with all the excitement of election day.  Seattle and New England?  Is this really the best we have to offer?   There are two teams left and they both seem destined to win another championship.  The Patriots had never won a playoff game when trailing by 11 points or more.  In the Divisional Playoff round, they overcame two 14-point deficits to beat the Ravens.  Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson went into the NFC Championship Game with the highest quarterback rating in playoff history.  Yet, mid-way through the 4th quarter, Seattle trailed Green Bay by 9, which about matched Wilson’s QBR at that time.  What happened?  the Seahawks scored 15 points in 44 seconds.  That included a successful 2-point conversion and the recovery of an onsides kick.  They scored a fast overtime touchdown to seal the victory.  Wilson is now just the second quarterback ever to throw four interceptions in a playoff game and still win.  The last guy to do it was George Blanda and that was over fifty years ago.  Hard to believe there’s so much rain in Seattle because it seems like the sun shines out of Russell Wilson’s ass.  I truly don’t care who wins Super Bowl XLIX and adds another trophy to their mantel.  I’ll support whichever team might win me a few dollars.  And, I’ll wait impatiently for the start of another season when hope is renewed… only to be destroyed once again.  Such is the life of a football fan.  What say we eat us some chicken wings!  At long last, I’m giving you my cherished game day recipe for Buffalo Wings.  Use it wisely.  

 

The first decision you need to make is whether or not you want your wings breaded.  As far as I’m concerned, the crispier the better and breading is definitely the way to go.  My personal preference is House Autry Chicken Breader.  You can dip the wings in beer or a mixture of egg and milk.  Or, skip that step altogether.  It’s entirely your call.

Ingredients:

5 lbs. chicken wings, separated into drumette and bow sections, dried overnight on paper towels in the refrigerator

¾ cup Frank’s Original RedHot Sauce (or for the heat seekers, up your Scoville units with the hot sauce of your choice)

1 stick unsalted butter

2 capfuls of white vinegar

Peanut oil for frying

Celery sticks

An ample supply of the thickest, goopiest blue cheese dressing you can find

Plenty of cold beer

 

Directions: 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. 2. Use aluminum foil to create a “collar” on a Dutch oven, electric frying pan, or cast iron skillet to prevent splattering. You can also use a deep fryer is you have one handy. Add peanut oil to a depth of about four inches. Heat until oil temperature reads 75 degrees. This is when you’d bread your wings if you choose to do so. Then, working in batches, place wings in hot oil, stirring frequently with a slotted spoon, being careful not to overcrowd the pot. Cook until wings are golden brown, anywhere from 8-15 minutes. Drain on paper towels, or, if you can still find them, brown paper grocery bags. 3. In a medium saucepan over medium-high heat, melt butter and mix in Frank’s sauce and vinegar for medium-spicy wings. Add more butter to lower spiciness, more sauce to raise spiciness. 4. Place cooked wings in a large bowl, ladle sauce over wings, and toss to coat. 5. Transfer coated wings to a large baking tray, and bake in oven: 15-20 minutes, or until wings are not sticky to the touch. Serve hot with blue cheese dip, celery sticks and beer.

 

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